Thursday, December 09, 2010

Under the sun

I should probably move to tumblr. But i like it here.
So i've been thinking, about life and everything. Truthfully, i love my life right now. I am where i'm supposed to be and i won't have it any other way. I like how i am, i like that I'm back to my old self. I'm just happy.
Really, its all thanks to my friends who remind me everyday that i'm really better off. And seeing how i am now, i really am better off. I get to do pretty much whatever i want, meet new people, random outings with random people.
I can't be any happier.
Last of all, i have the bestest best friend who's more like a sister whom i wouldn't know what to do without.
I love you Nur Afiqah binte Kamsani.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Mind surfing.

A lot has changed since my last post.
There are a few kinds of people i pity, the real poor ones, the disabled, the unlucky ones and the ones who has a choice but chose to suffer. And i promised myself to never let myself be suffering because of the choice i made.
I do have a choice, so why does it feel like i don't?
I look back figuring out where i could have gone wrong. This wasn't how i thought things would turn out to be.
But if we could give it another go... It'll be different.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Approaching

I haven't been completely honest. And i pride myself on how honest i am. But i guess there's just some thing some people should never know about.
Anyway, the last few days has been like a survival test for me and surprisingly i survived. The secret is to not think of it. Like everytime you feel like you're about to think about it you just dont. It helps if theres a super hot guy to think about/fantasize.
My uncle has been coming over everyday in the morning bringing food that would in fact make me fat. Or fatter than i am now.
Today he brought donuts. There goes my diet plan.
Not that i have a diet plan. My diet plans usually dont include exercising because i dont want to sweat. So i just starve myself.
I realise how open ive been about my feelings compared to like 2 years ago. I dont like talking about my feelings and ever since... Its all i talk about here.
Okay bye

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Cracks in our foundation

We often forget how good the world has been to us. We're wrong about the world being unfair and whatever bad happens, somehow somewhere, someone is going to come along and make it worthwhile for us again.
Its all about balance.
If you want to survive in this world, balance is all you need.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Pour them

My diary got lost somewhere in the many boxes that i have to get shipped over to the new house. And i need to let it all out and this is the only place i could. Since its already dead anyway, i can prolly write anything i want. Maybe not in detail but at least in my mind it is.
So my hamster got a little bigger since he bought it for me. I think i feed him too much, i mean i rather have a fat hamster that a skinny bones gray hamster.
Actually its no use. Cause i really need to like write everything down but i cant cause im thinking about the people who might or might not read this blog. I NEED MY DIARY!
Oh i need a new diary. My current one is running out of pages and my brain is overloading with things no one else should know but me and maybe this other certain someone who likes to secretly take it when he's over.
Anyway, im just hoping that i'll have a good dream tonight. Maybe something kinky. Which i dont usually dream about... Not saying that i do...
BYE

Monday, August 30, 2010

Security Issues

I'm a very paranoid person. My thoughts, they wonder to the unknown and it bothers me. Sometimes im just afraid it might actually happen. So really, I'm afraid of myself. And i dont want to be anymore. I only hope that he is going to help me.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thats all it takes

All it took was for me to be alone.
Today, i just thought i needed some time for myself. And it really did help. I always thought i hated being alone. But thinking about it, i'm alone most of the time. In my mind i am. So really, it isnt that bad if you actually think about it.
I'm tired actually. I doing this post just so i can practice on my english. HAHAHA. OKAY BYE

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Its just me, me and only me.

I've spent too much time obsessing over you and i'm tired. I'm tired of trying to save us over and over again. This is me giving up because i dont have the strength anymore to hold the cracks.
I know i'm more but i'm not anymore and i'll bet you'll just right into the sack.

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Go for the gold

I'm afraid its less. Now, more than ever. What am i supposed to do?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

You me. You and me, We're all i need.

I've come to realization, how my life has spiraled into this unknowingly, inconsistent however straight line. I see now that i have only been afraid. It's okay to feel incredibly happy for once. And i'm too afraid to be feeling that because then i'll be punished. I'll be punished because i dont deserve this happiness. I really don't. But for once, i want to let go. Just imagine myself on endless green pastures. Lying down on the grass, looking up into the blue sky without having the sun to blind you. Rolling on the ground and find yourself laughing. You sit up and you see flowers, they happen to be your favourite, sunflowers. You run into them and find that the flowers are so big and they're almost the same height as you and you pluck one and smell the joy, you could not have been more happier.
Sometimes i find myself staring at a distance, daydreaming about my simple joys.
The other day i was lying in bed, i was crying, because i never realised how much this person meant to me.
So to my 2 dearest people in the whole wide world, you make everyday bearable for me. And I love you so much.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Bothered

I've sat here for 10 minutes, writing, backspacing then writing again. Frankly, i don't know what to say.
So let me be honest for once.
The compromises i make, the sacrifices, does not equal to yours. The things i do for you, materialistic or not, does not equal to yours. The time i put in to make this work, to make you happy, does not equal to yours.
So tell me now. Are we equal?
Do i deserve you, or do you deserve me?
I'm not happy, i'm not even contented.
So tell me now. Has it been worth it?
I'm done trying. I'm done crying.
I'm done.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

When theres nothing to do,








Wishful thinking

So i havent been updating my blog. I dont really have the time plus i dnt really want my life out in the open right now.
Anyway, last weekend was probably the worst weekend i ever had. Everything kinda backfired.
I miss the times when i sat in bed alone, not sad about anything, not happy about anything either. Most nights were empty but the next morning would be another day, another opportunity.
And i'm gonna take a shit.
Anyway, on with my emotional rants. My complains about how unfair this r and s is.
So i guess... in the end, all we have to do is try. Try your best, if he's not giving up then you shouldnt too. Because the next guy that comes along, i promise you, he will give up.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Gumption

I realise that my feelings are not constant. They vary depending on actions. But i know they're can never be completely gone. So... I am very much regretful of the things that may have slipped out my mouth. And i wish i could take them all back.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Ignorance

I should have known what was best for me. I was so blinded by this whole fantasy, i stopped using my eyes. I forget the facts.
I guess deep down inside i was waiting. I knew it was coming, i ignored the signs, let myself enter this imagination of what could have been.
It is all but just an imagination, temporary. So why am i wasting my time?
I can't deny that i was happy, but why stay when its almost all gone.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Grow up

So i realised something, that i'm pretty much over protective. Of myself mostly. But is it my fault? I mean. I've gone through the same thing way too many times to let myself fall down and have myself pick me up again.
But maybe for you i'm willing to take the risk though i know it might be the hardest.
The best thing is, i still look at you and feel the same way i did, oh so many months ago.
I'm not the kind who writes down my feelings. This is pretty amazing, even to me.

I'm just updating my blog because i dnt really have anything else to do. So... here.
Anyway, its kinda sad to see that i have only 1 post every month. I have been busy.

This weekend, i'm jammed packed. I got to do some stupid scrapbook plus i've got to finish up my sketchbooks since everythings gonna be submitted by the end of this semester.
I need a fucking new laptop. I feel guilty asking my parents but i dnt knw where to get that kind of money.

I'm kinda really tired right now. I'd like to wake him up and ask him to go home but i just can't you know. He's tired. I'll wake him up later.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Decisions are sometimes hard, but necessary.

So, i've been thinking lately. About me. And others have told me too. Telling me, i can't always be at a halt.
I've decided that perhaps, being alone might not be that bad. I've survived for the past 2 years and i should be able to survive for the next few years.
Yet again, chances are to be given and reality is i'm not 16. I am still young, i'm still 18, perhaps a little more matured? So should i not think this through thoroughly? No one is perfect but still, can't i have better? I am only 18. Is it wrong for me to think that way? Maybe i'm not that pretty. Maybe, i dnt have that stunning body, but i am young. And i havent live long enough to see the fishes in this weirdly enormous ocean.
Though tomorrow might be my last day, at least i know i've tried my best. Perhaps, i should have put in my time and effort in something more guaranteed. But i am about taking risks.
Don't take this personally.
They are... Just... My thoughts.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Life in the unfab lane.

So i havent had much time to update my blog. My blog is pretty much dead. I dnt even think anyone still comes here... So... I dont really know why its still here.
Anyway, I really just wanted to let things out.
I'm having my period, so i'm a little cranky, a little too sensitive and maybe a little too touchy. But i'm really cranky, and i just want to let it out on someone. But i'm really controlling myself and its really exhausting constantly feeling this way. Seriously.
Plus being in design course isn't really a walk in the park. I'm having projects every week. Its tiresome and my back hurts.
Sometimes, he doesn't understand ya knw. Like he just doesnt understand. Its hard to explain. I just feel like shit. It might be my period. But still.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

We are young

So i got into SP like last last week. My first day was on a thursday. What kind of person starts school on a thursday. Anyway, my classmates theyre okay. But theyre forcing me to like study and everything since theyre no fun at all. I mean, when i went into design school, i had this perception that design students are like havoc people you know. Imagine my disappointment.
Anyway, assignments and projects are piling up and i have to put in my 100% effort since every assignment is like an exam since we dnt have actual exams.
But its fun. Everyday is an art lesson.
Okay im too busy bye.

Friday, April 16, 2010

It wasn't supposed to turn out this way

So i havent updated in forever.
Came back from Bali last friday. And i will never get tired of saying how fun bali was. Its a whole different society there, one that has been misunderstood. The people there are great and you think that going out at night is dangerous but really, its as dangerous as Singapore. Except maybe they're target you since you're tourist but usually they'll go for the angmohs.

Anyway, havent been working much the past few days. I think i got too used to life in bali.

Right now, i should be worrying about my portfolio which is not progressing at all. Maybe i have 1 or 2 pieces, the most 2 pieces of art work. But i've got 8 more to go and i dnt have alot of time. Looks like i have to cut down on work, cut down on going out.

This is stressful. And looking at everyone else going to school especially those in SP... Its depressing the shit out of me.
These days, i have a lot to be depressed about. And quite frankly, i don't think anyone really understands.

It's friday and i feel like having some fun.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Alone at 12

So since my little sister's laptop is on right now, i shall update my long dead blog.
So i went out with my dear dear afiqah, who i have not seen for like a week now. it may seem short for some but it feels real long for me. We caught the movie remember me which was the worst movie ever i must add. The ending was shit and i am unhappy.

Oh, i got rejected by SP by the way, hopefully my appeal letter will shock and awe them and they'll be forced to take me because of my pitifulness.

I applied for a few private school as well. They're kind of my plan B. I'm supposed to do a portfolio to get into La Salle and take a test to get into nafa. I have never felt so unwanted in my entire life.

Right now, i'm tired and emotional for a lot of reasons. I'm stressed and undecided. I feel like shit. The movie i watched just now didnt make me feel any better. I should have caught a comedy instead of a depressing movie.
I'm waiting for something and that something surely is taking its time. I should go wash up and get some rest maybe star planning my portfolio. Lets not waste any more time.

OH BALI IS IN 2 WEEKS PEOPLE AND I-AM-EXCITED. All you losers would be in singapore and i'll be surfing the waves of bali... or not. Maybe i'll just watch. I dnt like slimy wet things that are in the ocean, like fishes and SHARKS. You knw SHARKS. SHARKS like in jaws which eat people or bite off parts of their body. So i'll just stay where its safe.
I'm a pussy, whatever.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Neglect

Its been a hundred years since i updated my blog.
Firstly, its because SOMEBODY took my laptop and failed to give it back to me till 1 week later. So here i am so many weeks later, updating my-almost-dead blog. I shall revive it with pictures and my unlaziness if there is such a thing.
I actually thought of deleting my blog but maybe not. There are pictures here that arent in my lappy anymore.
So i've been working so much that i'm exhausted like literally falling sick because of it. I had nose bleeds, coughs, flu and fevers. It has been the worst health week of my life and ive never felt this exhausted before. Even zara wasnt this tiring.
Maybe its because when i worked at zara, all i did was eat sleep and work.
I have different commitments now and it is exhausting i tell you.
Oh today is 28 and its kinda a special day. But i'm shy ya know. Soo... whatever. Hahaha.
I have a ton of pictures i want to upload but i dont knw where to start. You see, when i said a ton of pictures i literally meant a ton.
I'm kinda really bored right now.
Maybe more some other time. The wait is killing me.










Saturday, February 06, 2010

Saturday afternoon

Its a saturday and i'm at home watching ghost rider on AXN. Nicholas cage is kinda very hot, except for the face. He's got a good body.

I still dont have my lappy. I really miss me lappy, Its been almost a week since ive seen it. And my father's lappy is soo useless. The screen screw is loose so when i move the laptop the screen falls backwards.

Watching nicholas cage on ghost rider is turning me on.

I dont really want to update my blog right now. Bye

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The blackest lily

I want to upload the pictures. I really do, but i'm really lazy. So maybe some other day.

I'm actually excited for school to start...again. I'm just real anxious right now to know what course i got in. Supposedly, i'm getting the results today. I havent checked, so i'm gonna check now.

Okay my results are in april. What the fuck. I dnt think i can tahan the anxiety. I'm going to have panic attacks.

Fuckkkkkkkkkk, i want to cry. :((

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Hip Hip

I just read afiqah's blog and it depressed the shit out of me. Hahahaha.

A lot happened during the past week. Actually a lot happened last weekend. Which was the birthday chalet. Tiring i tell you. I didnt sleep till 6+ in the morning and woke up at 8. When i got home i had a massive headache, so i slept for 3 hours and went out again to watch Its complicated.
Whichhhhhh, was a great movie. Its so witty and funny.
My taste in movies are becoming similar to a 40 year old woman.
I watched legion last night. You don't know how scared i was. And it wasn't even that scary.
But watching that show got me thinking about the end of days. How i haven't done anything to better myself. And how i have only done things to make my place in hell permanent.
And what scares me the most, there are some things ive done that i don't feel regret for.
I'm uploading the chalet pictures into acap's facebook. Cause my facebook is wayyyyy too dangerous. Hahahaha.

Corinne bailey rae released a new album which i fell in love with. Especially this song called i'll do it all again. Take some time listen, will ya?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Happy birthday Acap!

First of all, happy birthday acap. I'm a very shy person. So the mushy things i shall do it privately. Here, it'll just be happy birthday. Hahahhaha.
Anyway, i'll just keep it short. Cause even while typing all this i'm feeling real shy. Hahaha.
Okay. Thats it, i shall not go on any further.


I love you. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhee.

Friday, January 08, 2010

the colour blue

I know i said i'd post the pictures yesterday, but i ended up going out a little earlier than expected. So, i shall post up some pictures today, now.
Anyway, i met andreyana and didie today. It was so good to see them since i havent met them in a long time. Looks like huda's the only one i havent met. Hopefully we'll meet soon.
The weather today is 10degrees i'm sure. The fan is not switched on neither is the air con nor is the window open but i'm shivering. Maybe i'm sick but i dnt feel sick. Maybe my skin is geting thinner. Its a possiblity.
Okay i'm kinda exhausted right now. So i'm going to wrap this up.




















Thursday, January 07, 2010

reminiscence

I never realize my computer held so much memories for me. Hahaha, since getting back my lappy, i feel alive again....not.
I havent been updating my blog due to commitments to work and among other things but i am here now on my off day keeping my online life aliveeee.
I've got alot to write about actually.
Like the other time i went to ubin to cycle which i totally regret cause of how exhausted i was when i got home. Plus i had a ton of mosquito bites which remained itchy till the next day when i had work. I was serving customers, scratching my legs, taking orders all the the same time. Very unglam i tell you.
I have too many photos to upload and shall upload it later slowly since ive got the whole afternoon.
I miss afiqah and the girls. Its been such a long time since ive last met them.
It has been pretty hectic lately. Adult fare really is burning a hole in my pocket. I miss those times when i had to top up 5 bucks and it could last me a week.
Its 2010 and it just hit me that im turning 18 this year. So old, so fast.
Okay i shall go bath and play my dear lappy for a bit and i'll upload the photosssss.