You me. You and me, We're all i need.

I've come to realization, how my life has spiraled into this unknowingly, inconsistent however straight line. I see now that i have only been afraid. It's okay to feel incredibly happy for once. And i'm too afraid to be feeling that because then i'll be punished. I'll be punished because i dont deserve this happiness. I really don't. But for once, i want to let go. Just imagine myself on endless green pastures. Lying down on the grass, looking up into the blue sky without having the sun to blind you. Rolling on the ground and find yourself laughing. You sit up and you see flowers, they happen to be your favourite, sunflowers. You run into them and find that the flowers are so big and they're almost the same height as you and you pluck one and smell the joy, you could not have been more happier.
Sometimes i find myself staring at a distance, daydreaming about my simple joys.
The other day i was lying in bed, i was crying, because i never realised how much this person meant to me.
So to my 2 dearest people in the whole wide world, you make everyday bearable for me. And I love you so much.

Bothered

I've sat here for 10 minutes, writing, backspacing then writing again. Frankly, i don't know what to say.
So let me be honest for once.
The compromises i make, the sacrifices, does not equal to yours. The things i do for you, materialistic or not, does not equal to yours. The time i put in to make this work, to make you happy, does not equal to yours.
So tell me now. Are we equal?
Do i deserve you, or do you deserve me?
I'm not happy, i'm not even contented.
So tell me now. Has it been worth it?
I'm done trying. I'm done crying.
I'm done.

When theres nothing to do,

Wishful thinking

So i havent been updating my blog. I dont really have the time plus i dnt really want my life out in the open right now.
Anyway, last weekend was probably the worst weekend i ever had. Everything kinda backfired.
I miss the times when i sat in bed alone, not sad about anything, not happy about anything either. Most nights were empty but the next morning would be another day, another opportunity.
And i'm gonna take a shit.
Anyway, on with my emotional rants. My complains about how unfair this r and s is.
So i guess... in the end, all we have to do is try. Try your best, if he's not giving up then you shouldnt too. Because the next guy that comes along, i promise you, he will give up.

Gumption

I realise that my feelings are not constant. They vary depending on actions. But i know they're can never be completely gone. So... I am very much regretful of the things that may have slipped out my mouth. And i wish i could take them all back.

Ignorance

I should have known what was best for me. I was so blinded by this whole fantasy, i stopped using my eyes. I forget the facts.
I guess deep down inside i was waiting. I knew it was coming, i ignored the signs, let myself enter this imagination of what could have been.
It is all but just an imagination, temporary. So why am i wasting my time?
I can't deny that i was happy, but why stay when its almost all gone.

Grow up

So i realised something, that i'm pretty much over protective. Of myself mostly. But is it my fault? I mean. I've gone through the same thing way too many times to let myself fall down and have myself pick me up again.

But maybe for you i'm willing to take the risk though i know it might be the hardest.

The best thing is, i still look at you and feel the same way i did, oh so many months ago.

I'm not the kind who writes down my feelings. This is pretty amazing, even to me.

I'm just updating my blog because i dnt really have anything else to do. So... here.

Anyway, its kinda sad to see that i have only 1 post every month. I have been busy.

This weekend, i'm jammed packed. I got to do some stupid scrapbook plus i've got to finish up my sketchbooks since everythings gonna be submitted by the end of this semester.

I need a fucking new laptop. I feel guilty asking my parents but i dnt knw where to get that kind of money.

I'm kinda really tired right now. I'd like to wake him up and ask him to go home but i just can't you know. He's tired. I'll wake him up later.