Under the sun

I should probably move to tumblr. But i like it here.
So i've been thinking, about life and everything. Truthfully, i love my life right now. I am where i'm supposed to be and i won't have it any other way. I like how i am, i like that I'm back to my old self. I'm just happy.
Really, its all thanks to my friends who remind me everyday that i'm really better off. And seeing how i am now, i really am better off. I get to do pretty much whatever i want, meet new people, random outings with random people.
I can't be any happier.
Last of all, i have the bestest best friend who's more like a sister whom i wouldn't know what to do without.
I love you Nur Afiqah binte Kamsani.

Mind surfing.

A lot has changed since my last post.
There are a few kinds of people i pity, the real poor ones, the disabled, the unlucky ones and the ones who has a choice but chose to suffer. And i promised myself to never let myself be suffering because of the choice i made.
I do have a choice, so why does it feel like i don't?
I look back figuring out where i could have gone wrong. This wasn't how i thought things would turn out to be.
But if we could give it another go... It'll be different.

Approaching

I haven't been completely honest. And i pride myself on how honest i am. But i guess there's just some thing some people should never know about.
Anyway, the last few days has been like a survival test for me and surprisingly i survived. The secret is to not think of it. Like everytime you feel like you're about to think about it you just dont. It helps if theres a super hot guy to think about/fantasize.
My uncle has been coming over everyday in the morning bringing food that would in fact make me fat. Or fatter than i am now.
Today he brought donuts. There goes my diet plan.
Not that i have a diet plan. My diet plans usually dont include exercising because i dont want to sweat. So i just starve myself.
I realise how open ive been about my feelings compared to like 2 years ago. I dont like talking about my feelings and ever since... Its all i talk about here.
Okay bye

Cracks in our foundation

We often forget how good the world has been to us. We're wrong about the world being unfair and whatever bad happens, somehow somewhere, someone is going to come along and make it worthwhile for us again.
Its all about balance.
If you want to survive in this world, balance is all you need.

Pour them

My diary got lost somewhere in the many boxes that i have to get shipped over to the new house. And i need to let it all out and this is the only place i could. Since its already dead anyway, i can prolly write anything i want. Maybe not in detail but at least in my mind it is.
So my hamster got a little bigger since he bought it for me. I think i feed him too much, i mean i rather have a fat hamster that a skinny bones gray hamster.
Actually its no use. Cause i really need to like write everything down but i cant cause im thinking about the people who might or might not read this blog. I NEED MY DIARY!
Oh i need a new diary. My current one is running out of pages and my brain is overloading with things no one else should know but me and maybe this other certain someone who likes to secretly take it when he's over.
Anyway, im just hoping that i'll have a good dream tonight. Maybe something kinky. Which i dont usually dream about... Not saying that i do...
BYE

Security Issues

I'm a very paranoid person. My thoughts, they wonder to the unknown and it bothers me. Sometimes im just afraid it might actually happen. So really, I'm afraid of myself. And i dont want to be anymore. I only hope that he is going to help me.

Thats all it takes

All it took was for me to be alone.
Today, i just thought i needed some time for myself. And it really did help. I always thought i hated being alone. But thinking about it, i'm alone most of the time. In my mind i am. So really, it isnt that bad if you actually think about it.
I'm tired actually. I doing this post just so i can practice on my english. HAHAHA. OKAY BYE

Its just me, me and only me.

I've spent too much time obsessing over you and i'm tired. I'm tired of trying to save us over and over again. This is me giving up because i dont have the strength anymore to hold the cracks.
I know i'm more but i'm not anymore and i'll bet you'll just right into the sack.

Go for the gold

I'm afraid its less. Now, more than ever. What am i supposed to do?

You me. You and me, We're all i need.

I've come to realization, how my life has spiraled into this unknowingly, inconsistent however straight line. I see now that i have only been afraid. It's okay to feel incredibly happy for once. And i'm too afraid to be feeling that because then i'll be punished. I'll be punished because i dont deserve this happiness. I really don't. But for once, i want to let go. Just imagine myself on endless green pastures. Lying down on the grass, looking up into the blue sky without having the sun to blind you. Rolling on the ground and find yourself laughing. You sit up and you see flowers, they happen to be your favourite, sunflowers. You run into them and find that the flowers are so big and they're almost the same height as you and you pluck one and smell the joy, you could not have been more happier.
Sometimes i find myself staring at a distance, daydreaming about my simple joys.
The other day i was lying in bed, i was crying, because i never realised how much this person meant to me.
So to my 2 dearest people in the whole wide world, you make everyday bearable for me. And I love you so much.

Bothered

I've sat here for 10 minutes, writing, backspacing then writing again. Frankly, i don't know what to say.
So let me be honest for once.
The compromises i make, the sacrifices, does not equal to yours. The things i do for you, materialistic or not, does not equal to yours. The time i put in to make this work, to make you happy, does not equal to yours.
So tell me now. Are we equal?
Do i deserve you, or do you deserve me?
I'm not happy, i'm not even contented.
So tell me now. Has it been worth it?
I'm done trying. I'm done crying.
I'm done.

When theres nothing to do,

Wishful thinking

So i havent been updating my blog. I dont really have the time plus i dnt really want my life out in the open right now.
Anyway, last weekend was probably the worst weekend i ever had. Everything kinda backfired.
I miss the times when i sat in bed alone, not sad about anything, not happy about anything either. Most nights were empty but the next morning would be another day, another opportunity.
And i'm gonna take a shit.
Anyway, on with my emotional rants. My complains about how unfair this r and s is.
So i guess... in the end, all we have to do is try. Try your best, if he's not giving up then you shouldnt too. Because the next guy that comes along, i promise you, he will give up.

Gumption

I realise that my feelings are not constant. They vary depending on actions. But i know they're can never be completely gone. So... I am very much regretful of the things that may have slipped out my mouth. And i wish i could take them all back.

Ignorance

I should have known what was best for me. I was so blinded by this whole fantasy, i stopped using my eyes. I forget the facts.
I guess deep down inside i was waiting. I knew it was coming, i ignored the signs, let myself enter this imagination of what could have been.
It is all but just an imagination, temporary. So why am i wasting my time?
I can't deny that i was happy, but why stay when its almost all gone.

Grow up

So i realised something, that i'm pretty much over protective. Of myself mostly. But is it my fault? I mean. I've gone through the same thing way too many times to let myself fall down and have myself pick me up again.

But maybe for you i'm willing to take the risk though i know it might be the hardest.

The best thing is, i still look at you and feel the same way i did, oh so many months ago.

I'm not the kind who writes down my feelings. This is pretty amazing, even to me.

I'm just updating my blog because i dnt really have anything else to do. So... here.

Anyway, its kinda sad to see that i have only 1 post every month. I have been busy.

This weekend, i'm jammed packed. I got to do some stupid scrapbook plus i've got to finish up my sketchbooks since everythings gonna be submitted by the end of this semester.

I need a fucking new laptop. I feel guilty asking my parents but i dnt knw where to get that kind of money.

I'm kinda really tired right now. I'd like to wake him up and ask him to go home but i just can't you know. He's tired. I'll wake him up later.

Decisions are sometimes hard, but necessary.

So, i've been thinking lately. About me. And others have told me too. Telling me, i can't always be at a halt.

I've decided that perhaps, being alone might not be that bad. I've survived for the past 2 years and i should be able to survive for the next few years.

Yet again, chances are to be given and reality is i'm not 16. I am still young, i'm still 18, perhaps a little more matured? So should i not think this through thoroughly? No one is perfect but still, can't i have better? I am only 18. Is it wrong for me to think that way? Maybe i'm not that pretty. Maybe, i dnt have that stunning body, but i am young. And i havent live long enough to see the fishes in this weirdly enormous ocean.

Though tomorrow might be my last day, at least i know i've tried my best. Perhaps, i should have put in my time and effort in something more guaranteed. But i am about taking risks.

Don't take this personally.

They are... Just... My thoughts.

Life in the unfab lane.

So i havent had much time to update my blog. My blog is pretty much dead. I dnt even think anyone still comes here... So... I dont really know why its still here.

Anyway, I really just wanted to let things out.

I'm having my period, so i'm a little cranky, a little too sensitive and maybe a little too touchy. But i'm really cranky, and i just want to let it out on someone. But i'm really controlling myself and its really exhausting constantly feeling this way. Seriously.

Plus being in design course isn't really a walk in the park. I'm having projects every week. Its tiresome and my back hurts.

Sometimes, he doesn't understand ya knw. Like he just doesnt understand. Its hard to explain. I just feel like shit. It might be my period. But still.

We are young

So i got into SP like last last week. My first day was on a thursday. What kind of person starts school on a thursday. Anyway, my classmates theyre okay. But theyre forcing me to like study and everything since theyre no fun at all. I mean, when i went into design school, i had this perception that design students are like havoc people you know. Imagine my disappointment.

Anyway, assignments and projects are piling up and i have to put in my 100% effort since every assignment is like an exam since we dnt have actual exams.

But its fun. Everyday is an art lesson.

Okay im too busy bye.

It wasn't supposed to turn out this way

So i havent updated in forever.
Came back from Bali last friday. And i will never get tired of saying how fun bali was. Its a whole different society there, one that has been misunderstood. The people there are great and you think that going out at night is dangerous but really, its as dangerous as Singapore. Except maybe they're target you since you're tourist but usually they'll go for the angmohs.

Anyway, havent been working much the past few days. I think i got too used to life in bali.

Right now, i should be worrying about my portfolio which is not progressing at all. Maybe i have 1 or 2 pieces, the most 2 pieces of art work. But i've got 8 more to go and i dnt have alot of time. Looks like i have to cut down on work, cut down on going out.

This is stressful. And looking at everyone else going to school especially those in SP... Its depressing the shit out of me.
These days, i have a lot to be depressed about. And quite frankly, i don't think anyone really understands.

It's friday and i feel like having some fun.